Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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