Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
