some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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