her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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