I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
