Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
