i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
