we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
