there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
