please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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