Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
