On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
