Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
