I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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