guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
