I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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