u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I have tasted many bathrooms
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