I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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