You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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