Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
