Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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