So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
