Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
