Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
