u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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