I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
