She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
