Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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