Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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