i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
