you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just found a bag of teeth...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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