There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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