So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
