I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
