It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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