youre lurking in front of me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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