I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
