I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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