how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
