The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
