So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
