mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Edward fifth and chaser hands
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
