This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
