you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
