Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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