I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
