Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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