**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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