im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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