i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
