There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
