my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
