ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize