Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
