trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
