Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize