God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
