My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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