your parents love me but you hate me
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
