Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
