how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
