Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
