so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
